The 13th Apostle

Photo by Mike Soika

every group has an insider clique. My smart aleck quip is that there were only 12 Apostles

 I feel like I’ve spent my entire life straddling the line between the “inside group” and the outsiders.  In high school, I was friendly with the “cool kids” but felt more at home with the mountain boys and the greasers.  As a public policy advocate, I got to the point where mayors and governors and many elected officials knew me by sight and by name, and were friendly (for the most part) but I never had any delusions that I was ever really at the table with them (except for my stint as chief of staff to the mayor of Milwaukee.  But that’s a story for another day.)

It has been my experience that every group has an insider clique. My smart aleck quip is that there were only 12 Apostles – while the crowds following Jesus sometimes numbered into the hundreds.  

Did you ever wonder about the 13th Apostle; that liminal soul who was close enough to the “insider group” to have a sense of what was going on, but who remained an outsider - acknowledged but not fully accepted into the heart of the band of believers.

In fact, we do know who was the 13th Apostle (Acts 1:21-23).  His name was Matthias and he was chosen (by casting lots) to replace Judas.  In order to qualify for the position a candidate needed to be among the group from the beginning when Jesus was baptized and up and through the time he was taken away.  And only two men made the list: Matthias and Joseph. One has to wonder whether any women met the criteria but who were excluded because of gender bias.

Inner circles, outer circles, who is in and who is not.  These are issues plaguing groups since our early ancestors fought over who slept close to the fire and who was relegated to the cold and frightful dark of night.  What does this dynamic tell us about the human condition?  And what does it say about each of us as individuals who crave to be included?

The mystics tell us that our need to be acknowledged and accepted is nothing more than our little ego crying out for attention.  And, that if we were spiritually grounded, we would realize that we are magnificent transcendent beings playing hide and seek in a human body.

I must admit, I’m often not that enlightened.  I try, and sometimes catch a glimmer of the warm light of the Divine.  But for the most part I fail to live a life rooted in the knowledge that I am one with the Spirit.  I find myself craving love and attention.  I often measure my worth against others who seem to have it more together.

I realize that this self-doubt is directly related to the amount of time I spend in contemplative prayer.  Little time in prayer results in a lot of time in doubt.

What I learn in prayer – and must relearn time and again – is that I am God’s beloved.  And nothing I do or say can change that.  God’s love can’t be earned and it can’t be lost.  It just is.  

Whether there were 12 apostles or 14 is immaterial.  Creating an inner circle and an outer circle is a human construct that reinforces a false sense of self.  The secret is that we are all apostles.  We are all part of the inner circle.  It was Voltaire who said “God is a circle whose center is everywhere and circumference nowhere.”

​For all of us who have spent most of our lives on the outside, yearning to be on the inside – like Joseph and Matthias - I’d like to say that being an apostle is a big deal.  But, it’s a group to which we all already belong.